19 May 2016

a new path

Sometimes, too much happens. Too much and not enough and maybe both and neither. I think I was in some sort of fog. Like the 18 hours after a severe concussion that you don't quite remember. When it starts to lift (and anyone who's had a terrible concussion can tell you, "it's like a fog is lifting" is about the only way to describe the sensation of literally being back in control of your mind/senses etc). you begin to feel better, but the long-term effects linger.  They seem to be gone, and then poof! --you turn your head too fast, or nod in agreement, and the world starts spinning again. You may never fully recover. It may be like that for the rest of your life - this damage, coming back to haunt you. I suppose that if you've had several concussions (one was enough for me, thanks) you know what I mean. Anyway, I was in that kind of fog for years. And much of my life was good, but the repeated blows to my confidence and to who I was chipped away and kept making me... less. I realize now that I let things get that bad because I was afraid to move on. What else would I do? Who was I without camp? I'm working on that now, and it's taking me tremendous effort. I'm trying to claim "me", whoever that is. I keep catching myself being surprised that people on the board at my new job support me and encourage me and actually give me the tools to do what I need to do.  I learned to be so good at pinching pennies and making do that when I'm allowed the resources I need to fully complete a project, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about taking time off. I can't just "be" at home, I need to be working on something, doing something. I don't know what to do with myself, so I spend my free time on call at the ambulance. 

I know I need to stop. I need to remind myself, and anyone else who feels this pain, that there is more to life. This is my reminder. I need to (gently, because it can still hurt) shake the fog off, and claim ME. It's taken almost two years to be able to say this aloud. It's going to take forever before all of the insecurities from that life go away, if they ever do, but I'm trying. And that's the best one can hope for.